This month upcoming is going to be really hard. Despite my desire to crawl in a hole and hide, I must go to work and be a facsimile of a human being. Today’s traffic on the way to work almost brought me to tears and it wasn’t about traffic. It was about loss and why I have to navigate through my new stuff without the support of the person I love which really means the support of no one.
After giving up my dream of working in magazine publishing, which I gave up because moving to NYC in the 80s would have stolen my soul and killed my body, I decided that I’d like to be a mom and wife. A really unpopular decision back then, because finally women were able to chart their own paths and I’d chosen the out-moded one.
Adam was my knight in shining armor. He had a great job which would allow me to freelance (no armor pun intended) and to be ready when we had a family. Caring for my family was my raison d’être. I loved it.
I can’t even speak now about the moment I realized and bleated to my children about it just being the three of us from now on. It’s one of the worst memories of my life and I can’t even believe that I remember it. Why didn’t my brain blot it out?
Anyway it happened and here we are.
I count my blessings that I have been hired by a firm whom I did business with years ago and continued to hold in high esteem. My learning curve has been large but those around me have been so supportive (I am not sucking up to you; it’s true).
But I’m a new-hire and worry that I’ll lose all focus during the upcoming badness. I mark the end of my world by June 30, the death of our dear friend Tom Ellis, and the death and funeral of my beloved Adam. Yes, I can keep it together mostly. Worrying about the interstices.