Hopeless and Irritated

Dear WordPress,

You are getting a posting that no one else has, because no one reads this site and happily that affords me the opportunity to complain ad nauseum.

Today would have been my 26th anniversary. No one cares but  me. It fascinates me how quickly a date is removed from the calendars and memory banks of those you think you hold dear. It’s been only three years since Adam died, but no one in my family remembered us today.

Regardless, they did remember to pepper me with questions about when I’d be home from the beach and therefore what I’d be able to do for them. What is my opinion about X, and should we do Y or Z.

I’m just sort of continually amazed at the degree to which I am expected to render an opinion on every little thing. My brain and my heart are exhausted. It would really mean a lot to me if someone would take care of *me* for just a little bit instead of me having to take care of everyone else when I am still so depleted.

I am sorry that I am depleted. I would prefer not to be in this situation. I lost my husband and the underpinning of my life. If it is lame to have not recovered from that yet, well, I am sorry that you don’t understand. But I need for you to spend some time figuring it out for yourself because I am exhausted. Ex. Haus. Ted. Help.

Anne Lamott says the prayer is Help. Thanks. Wow. I’m saying Help. Help.


The Ides of July

My boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore.

Those were the words I kept uttering in last night’s dream, and I was talking about Adam. And he was mysteriously clad in some bizaare black attire, like a thief in the night.

Why did I think of him as my boyfriend and not my husband? Why did I think he no longer loved me? The fact that I lost him while he still loved me has been a cornerstone of my making it through this nightmare.

And so begins July, the most bittersweet of months.

July was our big month. We got married in July. We bought or moved into all of the houses we owned in July. Our children were born in July. Adam died in July. Honestly it’s almost too much to bear so I just go on and on pretending that nothing is unusual about July.

This coming Wednesday would have been our 26th anniversary. We were supposed to celebrate our 23rd anniversary at the beach, and we had the car all loaded up to go but it wouldn’t start, for some mysterious reason. The car had started when we pulled it into position for loading, but when it came time to leave the house, no dice. We had to unload all of our stuff, and leave my sister’s flowers and champagne abandoned at the beach house.

The next day Adam went to the hospital and never came home.

And that champagne bottle is still in the fridge at the beach. I can’t open it.

I don’t know what to do with this month except to ignore it and move on. Of course the kids’ birthdays deserve celebration, but otherwise I just want to forget it, this emminently forgettable month. To me the month really begins on June 30, with the death of Tom Ellis. When Tom died Adam gave up and quickly declined. He was dead less than a month later. They were such good friends and I just imagine them living it up together in the afterlife. I hope so, anyway.

But we are left here to deal. Last year I didn’t deal very well but so far, so good, this year. Wish me luck and please pray for guidance for me. Thanks a bunch.