Oh no. Here it comes again, and in a familiar place. The porch. The happy place or the sad place, but rarely the in-between, it-could-go-either-way place.
TS Eliot said that April is the cruelest month, but I think he was wrong. May, with its endless end-of-the-school-year pressures, parties, brownies, pizza; it’s just exhausting and creates in me confusion and anxiety.
The outdoors is so beautiful; why am I not happy? Pollen has mostly passed. We’re moving from the first, flush blooms of spring into the more steady, reliable, sporadic flowering of perennials and trees. (And weeds. But that’s just the May-hater in me talking.)
I lose things. I can’t keep up with what everyone wants from me. I respond wrongly to their comments and inquiries.
To make it worse, this particular May sees my children finishing up their secondary education. The horizon is bright; they both were accepted to the colleges of their choice early in the winter. But one still must finish high school, and one still must put up with the popularity contests that masquerade as awards ceremonies. That’s what set me off today.
I hate to admit it, I really do, because I know those receiving awards were so deserving. But it seemed like 3 people received all the awards. Out of a class of approximately 400, could there have been some imagination? It’s apparent that the accomplishments of the introverts among us, those who don’t glean their personal energy from being with others but rather from introspection and spending time alone, are largely ignored. Hey! We have a lot to offer!
And where do I stand regarding my children? Should I be a nagging mother? That’s been my role for many years and it’s hard to let it go. Should I just listen as they vent? Happy to do so, but again, having been their guide all their lives, it’s hard to keep my mouth shut. And what about me? What do I do with my stress? I don’t have anyone to share it with, to back me up. Many well-meaning people populate my life, but it’s not like having a spouse whose genetics are also inside these kids.
I’m adrift. It’s the dreaded May, a worse May than usual because of the impending transitions, and I have no rudder. help?