I’ve been reluctant to write lately. Not because I lack material; that, it seems, will always be plentiful. But rather I have lacked the desire to contemplate my subject. I’ve started to feel a little better and I just don’t want to return to the bleak places that provide fodder for this writing.
What I also know is that feelings left unaddressed fester and keep you down. Those blues go from a deep, bright-day sky blue to royal, to indigo, to midnight and navy, and you haven’t even noticed the transition.
Tonight I’m feeling a little blue, a bit indigo, for a couple of reasons. My kids are out for the evening and I’m getting a good taste of what it will be like when they leave for college and every night is like this. I don’t mind being alone; in fact, I *love* doing what I darn well please most of the time. But on an every-night basis? I’m not sure.
Also, since Thanksgiving is now officially over I’ve updated my iPod and phone to carry my vast library of Christmas music. Lots of this music was added over the last few years and doesn’t carry any particular sentiment. But there’s one album, bought originally on cassette tape–A Winter’s Solstice, the very first of that successful series of instrumental offerings of carols obscure and familiar. I bought that cassette the winter that I met Adam. We met in the fall, and each went to our own families for Christmas. It was wretched. For me anyway. I spent the whole time at home playing “Merry Christmas Darling” on the piano.
Last Christmas I really dreaded playing that album for the first time. Amazingly, the music didn’t elicit anything wrenching, or even sad. Phew. Dodged that bullet!
This year has been a little different. And it’s been a surprise. Whereas I thought this music would bring back memories of when Adam and I were first dating, what one looks back on as a magical time of pleasureable anticipation, I find it holds for me feelings of uncertainty, anxiety. Not feelings of loss but of fear of the future. Just like now.
So I guess this can continue to be my favorite Christmas album since its reflective sound, beautifully framed tunes, and my emotional response to it are still the same, all these years on, for much different reasons.