I am beginning to see the bad parts of having a blog on two sites. My readers here can’t see the comments and responses of those on FB. I hope I can figure this out! Bear with me!
Got lots of support today on Facebook, and wanted to share with my new WordPress readers the response I gave to those friends:
Thanks to you all for your outpouring of support. It’s crazy, maybe, but the day hasn’t been that bad. It feels like I’ve finally reached the point that I understand that what is past, is past. My feelings are more of honoring that day by remembering it soberly, rather than being broken by the memory.
I have to say that it has taken dogged determination to be where I am, emotionally. If you are feeling vulnerable, my advice is to dig in your heels and refuse to be cowed. It doesn’t work every day, but with the support of your friends and family, it will work.
Rather than staying home today, which could have led to rumination and despair, I went out and pursued my favorite activity–thrift shopping. I started conversations with people, ran into an old friend, learned a lot, got a possible job offer, and I did not drown in despair.
What would be the point? I am here, I am living the life I was given, and it would be rude to disrespect my life by refusing to participate. I know it sounds easy, but it does take determination. Some days one has it, and some days one doesn’t. Today I made it. I hope to make it tomorrow, too, thanks to you all.
Today begins a cascade of memories that I’d prefer not to dwell on.
One year ago today, Adam had brain surgery. One year ago today, Tom did that surgery quite successfully despite his own advancing illness. Honestly, I don’t know either of them came through it.
At this moment a year ago, I was sitting in the surgical waiting room at Wake Forest Baptist Hospital, pretending to be calm and assured so that it would be true. My sister was there to make sure I didn’t fall apart, and she was the perfect companion. She never butted in, didn’t pepper me constantly with questions about how I was coping. She even got on a high horse beside me because it was impossible to find a Diet Coke in that hospital. (What is *up* with all the Pepsi in Winston-Salem? Even the fast-food chains had only Pepsi products.)
Adam sailed through that perfectly executed surgery. He was the best-looking guy in the ICU that night, from a medical standpoint and otherwise 🙂
Our rector happened to be in Winston for a conference that day and came to the ICU to visit that evening along with his colleague from Dickerson Chapel in Hillsborough. It was so great to see them. I hope they brought Adam some peace.
Adam insisted that I take a picture of him lying in his hospital bed to send to Caroline, who was so very worried about her dad. It’s an iconic picture. I’m not sure it’s appropriate to post so I’m not going to do so; I don’t think Adam would like it. But he is smiling in the picture, and his color is *so good.* You’d never guess what he’d just gone through.
The next day he moved to a regular room, a quiet corner room away from the nurses’ station. I wonder what big-wig secured that posh location? Again, 🙂
Adam recovered so well from that surgery. His follow-up MRI was a thing of beauty, as those big tumors were outta there. A huge relief! And, in retrospect, a false hope.
Of course what lurked unseen by the radiation was all the little tumor seeds just waiting to blossom into cauliflower nightmares whose goal was to rob my husband of his life.
What follows from me in the next few months my be depressing, and I’m sorry. You don’t have to come visit me while I relive the bad parts. I’ve been told that I need to relive them so that they will then retreat to the sub-basement of my brain, instead of sitting in the pens-and-pencils drawer of my credenza–lurking, obvious but ignored, effective despite their camoflage.
Go ahead and take this journey with me if it will help. Otherwise, I’ll see you in mid-August; it’s going to be iffy until then.
Welcome to the WordPress version of my facebook blog by the same name. I decided to start publishing simultaneously on WordPress to accommodate those not on facebook and not wishing to join. My plan is to copy over my old posts, and then to update each blog simultaneously. It’s late right now so if you have stumbled onto this post and wonder what I’m talking about, just stay tuned and I’ll be with you again tomorrow. Thanks for stopping by.
This picture was taken at the wheel of a British friend’s sailing vessel. None of us had seen it before Adam’s death; we found it on his computer weeks later.